Mistakes

Everyone in life makes mistakes, from the little ones, such as when I wrote FUCK A DUCK in permenant marker on my dad's whiteboard which he needed for work the next (In retrospect I could have chose a better sentence to test if a pen was permanant or not) all the way over to the big time cock ups, such as superman deciding to ride a horse.

I always feel one of my biggest was giving myself a leg injury that put my clean out of any sport for pretty much the next 15 years. I am determined to overcome this sooner but i have no idea how as of yet!

My all time biggest, will never be forgotton by my mates mistake is quite possibly getting stuck in a cattlegrid. Do not, under any cicumstances, ask.

What I want to know is what your biggest mistake is?

No holding back, post without a name if you want, but post your biggest misake, teh funnier the better!

Deviant Economics

I have started a new blog, based more on political and economical aspects of life,

Have a look at http://devinomics.blogspot.com!

A cure to the depressive posts

Where ever you may be right now, at work or at home i would be gratefull if you followed this post.

Take deep but gentle breaths, while at the same time stretching every muscle in your body, starting from the tips of your toes, up through your legs,and your back, slowly stretching out the tips of your fingers.

Let your mind drift off, let the subdued voices in the busy office or the faint sounds of traffic passing by your house fade into the background.

Imagine for a second that you are in a pure white marble room, infront of you is a door way with a soft pale light shining through it. Serenely you decide to walk through the door and feel the warmth of a summers day caress your skin. On either side of you are vivid purple flowers, trailing down a warm white marble staircase. you take a step down the staircase, and begin to notice the garden around you, a vivid green interspaced with dashes of colour from fragrant plants and the glittering of warm water from a fountain below.

You take another step and feel relaxed as the heat from the sun brings a warmth to skin. you notice the flowers on the banisters now also interspaced with reds and yellows, trailing down the banister.

Again you step down, seeing a bird fly across the cloudless blue sky on a perfect summers day, you close your eyes for a few seconds as you raise your face to feel the warmth of the sun carress your face and sooth your tired eyes.

You walk another step down and the fragrence from the beautiful plants around you invades your senses, the smell of pollen, nectar and honey is prevailant in the air, over the sound of the fountain you hear the rustle of the plants as a cooling summer breeze washes the warm air over your skin and flutters under your clothes.

As you step down onto the final step you notice a springyness in the fresh grass, willing you onwards, walking past a fountain you watch the play of water, rippling the otherise still water, causing glints of light to appear from the warm sun above. strolling down the grassy path, relaxed in every muscle of your body, you see a bench under the shade of a cherry tree, the blossom falling, carpetting the ground bellow with soft pale petals. You lay on the bench under the shadethe warm air moving gently over you. As you lay back you begin to count down in your head

10

you begin to relax, the falling blossom from the tree above floats gently past under the soft warming air of the summer.

9

you feel every muscle untense, your breathing begins to slow and your mind begins to clear from the days distractions.

8

you breath deeper and longer as you drift into a relaxed state, the birds begin to sing in the tree above.

7

you feel the warmth of the bench beneath you, you relax deeper into it as teh heat soothes your muscles.

6

you breath even slower, the faint smell of food cooking drafts through teh air, you hear the faroff sound of a childs laugh.

5

you drift into a dream like state, your eyelids droop as you rest

4

you breath slows gently getting slower and an even greater sense of relaxion seems was softly over your body

3

now so relaxed you can hardly feel yourself move in the warm air, each muscle in your body is comletely relaxed and your mind begins to clear of thoughts

2

breathing deeper still you mind clears completely, you feel slightly euphoric in the warm bench, safe protected and warm.

1

A feeling over relaxation overcomes you, every muscle in your slumbering body is relaxed and you feel a wave of happiness flow over your mind.

you think of the problem that has been effecting you, it is small and insignificant, you see teh problem infront of you as a glowing orb, a soft glowing colour, you begin to see ways around the small problem and even why it should not even exist. It shrinks even futher, till it fits softly in the palm of your hand. You now know that you have power over the problem, and can always overcome it.

It shrinks still futher, growing smaller and even smaller till you can now no longer even see it, now the problem is gone you feel significantly better about yourself. the warm air still plays across your skin and you wish move, you start to count slowly with a deep breath between each number.

1

.........

2

.........

3

.........

4

your breathing starts to speed up.

5

...

6

7 the heavyness in your eyelids begins to lift, you feel your mind awakening to teh world around you.

8 you realise whats around you and your perceptions increase.

9 breathing nearly normally you realise how relaxed all your muscles are, you begint to move thema gain after you realise tehy have been still for so long.

10 you feel yourself in a much more relaxed, happier state of mind, you start to move about, and begin to move and stretch all your muscles to wake yourself again.

Net Neutrality

http://action.freepress.net/campaign/savethenet

Waddlers

There are not many things in life that annoy me, one of my utmost annoyances is in al probability Waddlers, the people who are not content with walking slowly, but also by dint of not moving any leg muscle whatsoever wave left and right across the path, making it almost impossible to do a quick overtaking manouver. They do however provide the occasional bit of entertainment.

I went into town yesterday and saw two waddlers walknig side by side, both 20 stone plus and carrying a handbag which looked like a tabacco pouch in their gigantic mitts. It got funny when we noticed that these two had no concept of walking in sync, hence every few seconds one would hit teh other, making their waddle go a little bit too far off to the side. After this happened they would both glare at each other then continue walking on. Next time I see something of this calibre I will take a video =)

Changing Years.

Its amazing how the world changes in such a short space of time.

10 years ago christmas was always snow covered, 15 years ago the snow was inches deeper. Those are the times I remember as being festive, when I would go out and play in the snow with my mates for hours on end, coming in soaking wet, usually from the odd cut where some fucker had got a bit of ice in one of his malicious snowballs or our careless sledging down a hill in unpredictable woods ended abruptly with a hidden tree stump.

Nowdays it doesnt seem to snow at all, christmas is autumn warm. The snow used to be inches thick, now if it does snow, usually in February, its a light smattering which melts at the faintest dawn of new year light. The cities that once hosted massive illuminations over the christmas period now draw a pointless blank, unable to afford anything but a solitary christmas tree as the downward economy hits us, no longer able to sustain the merriments that once helped make it so popular.

The homeless, an ever increasing number seem to appear even on the deserted main streets, if the police take one away another fills his place, begging for change and swearing at those that dont answer,
Cleanliness of the streets makes the beggars seem more apparent, litter is not a problem in the area, much has been spent on bland cleanliness, though the absolute sterility seems like a purposeful dent on a historic city.

The downturned faces of office workers, a picture of misery on the unending majority, with an occasional self inflated manager wading through the drab crowd in his own self imposed dream of his life. Groups of tourists stand out with their unending enthusiasm for ancient stone and mortar built in centuries past, they point out flagstones and buildings in amazement, though such trifling objects have long faded into the dull listless background in the minds of the dead eyed residents.

A flooding by the undredged river makes its annual appearance above the banks of the ouze, covering the unfortunate buildings that have yet failed to succumb to the ever rising levels of a river unmaintained. Its constant flow a heavy reminder to the pure unstoppability of the force contained by such a beautiful rippling flow of liquid. The water glinting on each rise in the fading glow of a sun that has barely left the horizon in keeping with the season.

And I ask myself, why?

A Glorious Day!

Today, a day my friends that will be remembered.

The most fantastic news unlikely to be shadowed by anything else the coming year will throw at us.

This historical day of biblical proportions will be one that will lighten the hearts of billions around the world.

Yes thats right

Cameron Diaz has split up with that wanker Justin Timberlake.

Cameron Diaz, while 34 now is without a doubt one of my top ten in women, her young looks fantastic personality and damn cute smile make this one woman any man would take home.

Diaz... I salute you

*Schhhwinnnggggg*

My first crush, and my first serious crush

A lot of people use the new year as a fresh start, a way of making life better by just a little bit. This year however has been more of a reflection, on how I have lost touch with so many of my friends and how I seem to be unable to settle down with a girl for more than a week. After thinking about that I started to think about past relationships and inparticular my first crushes. I use this rather girly term on the basis that what I felt wasn't really love, but more a desire which I hasten to add I was completely incapable in following up on. While the chatting up of other women came as easy as pie even saying hi to these two crushes left my words crashing into each other.

The first of my crushes was back in primary school, a brunette with pale skin and startling eyes, shy in nature but the kind of girl I would have loved to hold tight. This being primary school and still not having had any massive interaction with a woman (At this point I think it was limited to a kiss and a little fumbling one time) I had not really mastered any way to propose to this girl, who might I add while shy had a stunning beauty about her, so consoled myself to a fate of failure with this one.

The second girl was at highschool, a girl called Sarah was in my form and was easily voted the most beautiful girl in our year. This being only the first year of school when I first saw her I had only had a few more experiences, but as highschool progressed I soon lost most of my inhibitions apart from this one girl. Tall and blonde with a perfectly formed body a gorgeous smile and the self assurance that comes with having pretty much every member of the opposite sex drooling over you, And we drooled over her in abundance at that.

Im not entirely sure that this post has a point, it is more of a reminiscence of things in life I should have gone for, and two women who due to my feelings I never dared approach. Im hoping that in the future I will not make the same mistake again, and always go for the things I want the most.

Adam and Eve... Bloody Perverts.

I got thinking this morning about the begining of time, when sex first came about. I mean lets face it sticking your dick up a womans pee hole isnt the most obvious of choices, admittedly it feels damn good but how did we find that out?

To illustrate my example I am going to use the religious setting of adam and eve, im guessing that pre sex the following was heard (Looking at all historical TV documentaries from primary school on this im guessing behind a big ivy leaf)

"OW that my EYE you BASTARD!"
"What the hell is that fluffy stuff"
"Mhhhhhh your tongue feels good"
"Ewww fucks sake I've got earwax all over it"
"Bit tight this end"

Il have kidney, liver and three testicals

I was doing some (completely work related) internet browsing and came across this article on BBC

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6240307.stm

Personally I dont see what the fuss is about, people should be able to sell their bodyparts if they want to. What I think is more interesting is buying these organs, obviously some people buy them because they need one to carry on living but what about the entertainment or cosmetic aspect?

Possibly a clip on device would appear on the market, like replacement covers for mobile phones you could get a clip on penis to forehead attachment for that annoying person in your life, if all else fails you could always spitroast your girlfriend by yourself.

I personally think a third arm would come in handy, and not just so I had my right hand free when surfing various types of websites, a third arm would allow me to play PDA solitaire while seemingly hard at work, not to mention the speed i could get a cup of coffee sorted. You could also get an extra liver, massively inceasing your drinking before death capability.

This kinda makes me thing that fat people will have the advantage over the rest of us in the future, I mean they could have enough space for 8 hearts a couple of extra kidneys a few livers and more, if one fails they just get another popped in. A heart attack? no problem, a minor inconveniance, liver failure? simply a kudos mark among the drinking culture.

"Yeah man I got so pissed last night I wrecked three of my livers"

If you could have an extra body part what would you choose?

(Yes I was a bit short on ideas today, alright?)

Holiday End

After good ol' week of half days, bank holidays and drinking galore it is finally back to reality. I have fallen for a girl who I probably shouldnt have, hugged a lot of random people, gone swimming in a river (nearly got hypothermia in the process) did the maccerena in the city centre for no aparent reason, injured my wrist (no jokes), due to lack of snow we went sledging down a tarmac road instead, fortunately at 5am there isnt much traffic.

However now I am back in the 9 till 5 grind, doing the same old shit, I need to find myself a job that no only challenges but varies my daily life, travelling to different parts of the world on occasion would also suit.

Im thinking of going to some other part of the world, do ski instruction or something, although I would probably need to learn some of it again myself in all honesty. If not ski instruction perhaps something similar, since my patience is a bit short for teachnig in all honesty, although lets face it, some of my old school teachers would shout at you for coughing.

I think my main problem with going abroad would be my mates, leaving the country is all well and good but considering how often I go out I would not have the feintest clue on what to do with my spare time. Maybe if i could convince one of my mates to come too, 6 months, sun, snow and lots of young naive tourist birds from around the globe, oooo yes..

Then theres the girl back here, never actually met her but talked to her loads, its not like she lives far away, Doncaster is just down the road from my City, but I never have the free time nowdays! She seems perfect, sweet and sexy, not to mention pretty damn smart underneath her veneer of makeup and vanity. She likes to always look good, and boy does she pull it off. Of course this is where the paranoia always kicks in, lets face it would a girl this good be happy with me? I know pretty much next to nothing of what she is like in person, from talking to her I would trust her, but some people are different to how they seem.

Given the opportunity I would want to move abroad, but the company would be her.

Merry Christmas

I should have posted something along these lines a couple of days ago, but I unexpectedly encountered a social life. So to all my regular readers, and (Slightly less so) to the few who stumbled accoss here accidently,

MERRY BELATED CHRISTMAS!!!

My christmas was the usual large amount of food, lots to drink, and a monopoly game where my family teamed up against me because I won all the games last time (Bastards)

What did everyone else get upto?

Oops...

I slept in today, fortunately Person A wasnt in (Off Ill) And Person B was, who wouldnt tell, the rest of my co workers were also on holiday.

So I though, thank god I might just have got out of this.

Unfortunately Person A emailed in sick to Person B, who then asked Person A in the reply E-Mail if I was on holiday all week.

Uhoh

Looks like I have some time to make up =(

Surgery for fat kids

It has just been announced that young children will now be bale to receive Stomach stapling and other fat reduction surgeries on the NHS. This ever so slightly worries me, true some children are naturallly fatter than otehrs, but they can still shed a lot of that weight, and definately become a lot more healthy simply by exercising.

I propose a simpler campaign, one that wont cost the tax payer £10,000 (about $15,000) per fat kid.

I call it . . .

Bully the fat kids. The way i see it if we make being fat unbearable the kids will get off their arses and do some exercise, life is just simply too cushy for them a the moment. I know fat people who while still tubby look healthy, and actually gain respect from a lot of people (Me included).

With a self confessed obedity problem in the western world I find it no surprise that the numbers are increasing with many campaigns of 'confidence building' and 'its alright to be fat'. While these things will make the person feel better it will not solve the root cause of their initial distress.

Normally I would not advocate taunting a kid, but with the governments stance on all issues being to cover up what ever is wrong and not fix the actual problem itself I am more and more appaled at what my tax dollars are being spent on, pretty soon they will be giving away boob jobs as well.

Tenacious D

Tenacious D are very, very funny. I saw them live last night and I have to say, THEY ROCKED!

In other news, I now have 7 days to get a secret santa gift, I have 11 days to get christmas gifts, I have way too long until I get paid.

Funniest quote of teh month

This is quite possibly the funniest thing ive read all month

"You might think that corrective lenses are unattractive, but what you don’t know is that there are quite a few people who have major fetishes for brainy people. It’s probably some sort of evolution thing. You probably think Stephen Hawking is in that wheelchair because of a motor neuron disease. But if you got as much barely-legal student poontang as The Hawkster, you’d be in a wheelchair too. "

Thank you Scott Adams!

Pissed at work

I woke up pissed

I came to Work

How the hell did i do so badly at bowling

I get the feeling my productivity may be below par today.

Sexual Consent Form

For those of you in the uk, (Dont know about the US) there has been a lot in the press about the rape issue, many womens rights groups are saying that a man should get full consent, however it gets difficult when both people are drunk and get together, both want it then, but if the woman regrets it there is the occasional call of rape, when really the woman is jsut regretting doing it. Although for the real rapists, who hunt down women and force them to have sex against their will, I hope all you bastards die in hell.

O the subject however this video is damn entertaining!

http://www.glumbert.com/media/consent

Soldiers on LSD

You all have to watch this, its so damn funny!

Managerial look

Like any aspiring young man I am always looking for that little bit of an edge to get me promoted faster, so far my best option seems to be the management look. The management look is mostly accentuated by the management hairstyle, this is either a full head of silvery well styled hair or the shaved monk cut, where the wearee of the hair is bald on top and at the front, but has a shaved short band of hair going from ear to ear around the back of his head.

In all honesty I dont think I look old enough to pull off either look, so I may need some surgery to put some crows feet in and give my skin that 'worn' look.

Snooker and Photoshop

Last night was a night of snooker and booze, and half an hour of photoshop.

Snooker went quite well, I was on the winning team in all three games (we had teams of 2 since 4 of us went) despite not having many breaks above 1. I also had my tea there, because our snooker club does the nicest chips (Fries for the americans, you wouldnt know a real chip if someone bludgeoned you to death with it) I have ever tasted in my life. I usually have a plate of chips but this time I had a burger as well, while it was nice I was also kinda disappointed by the none orgasmicness that I have come to expect from their chips (I love my food)

Also that night I removed a mourngy waitress from one of my mates holiday snaps, she was blocking the view of a very nice resteraunt, I was actually quite pleased with the result! Just need to mess around with the lighting a bit and it will be sorted.

The Internet is for porn

This video is so damn funny, you need volume and I wouldnt recommend playing this ina crowded office!

The sun is shining

The weather is, fucking freezing!

Fortunately since an office move at work i live about 2 minutes away from my office, we also have a sandwich shop downstairs, which I am resisting, despite the sausage and hash brown lovelyness. Ok im going to stop now, drooling way too much!


This will be my first where I will not be commuting by train to work, this will give em the fantastic opportunity of taking a deckchair to york train station and laughing at all the freezing cold late for work people who are suffering how I used to, I think I deserved it.

Your Blog needs YOU!

Yes thats right, I am appealing to my visitors to post comments, no matter how crap. my google page ranking has just slipped from a 3 down to a 2, this is breaking my heart, therefore I am begging all visitors to leave a comment, no matter how irrelevant to a post.

In other news it is dress down day at work again today, all money raised to goto children in need. I wouldnt mind but im going futher and futher into debt at the moment, there will be a bit of relief on this though as im off to Alliance and Leicester who give me a 0% overdraft for 12 months =D

i fanally switched to A&L after HSBCs branh First Direct introduced £120 a year annual fee on their normal current accounts. This is the final straw for me as the possibility of HSBC doing something similar on top of poor intrest rates and shady customer service is something I no longer want to deal with.

Now post comments, gogogo.

Thoughts

It seems to be basic human nature to choose the worst possible path for yourself, we are naturally a race of sadists, a problem that even the most intellectual of us succumb to.

The brazen attrocities some people commit to hurt others and themselves startle even me sometimes, usually in the name of some false crusade, sometmies out of necessity or even out of a desire to protect ones self.

The amount of people the west has killed to protect itself is a staggering figure, Bush and the other leaders who are helping him keep his dollar afloat no matter what the cost have engaged in wars for no reason. True saving his country from a depression will save countless lives as well, but how do you judge the west more important than the east?

The survivalist instinct that has instigated so much strife against the middle east, from the Afghanistan invasion (that was planned in some released government documents well before the planes ever flew into the two towers) up untill the threats thrown against iran. All the lives lost in these conflicts because these countries defied the US, refused to be blackmailed, and sold their oil in euros. Hell this weakened the dollar, but in america there will always be food, even on a weak currency.

It makes me sick.

Bloody Sony Erricson K750i Paintjob

I have a K750i, a pretty nice phone, or at least it was.

In a couple of weeks I get the feeling the paint on my phone will have gone completely and my phone will be a uniform cheap plastic off white because sony didnt deem me worth of using plastic the right colour. Its a shame beause I like most sony products, especially their laptops, rawr.

Muse

I love muse, was never a fan till I heard them live, in a veritable thunderstorm. Hardore.

...

I got a cold alright...

btu why does the singer have to sound so much like a beegee wannabee sometimes.

The Desktop Shop is Back!

After a long absense my tech reviews site is back online, though it used to be pretty popular I had a lot of trouble novating the site onto my new server, so kinda gave up on it about 9 months ago. But as of last weekend I have pulled it all back together, and though I have lost all the old forum posts and stuff im sure I can get it back on track in no time!

visit the Desktop Shop at

http://www.thedesktopshop.co.uk

Best chat up line in the universe?

On friday I went to partake in a few beverages with some friends of mine who are solicitors.

One of my mates who shall remain nameless for this post is a happily married man, child on the way but was however sypathetic with my currently single status so agreed to be my wingman.

So as per usual we went over to two cute looking blonde lasses, introduced ourselves and started conversing, they told us who they where (I cant remember that) what they did (I also cant remember that) and then asked us the same question,

"Well I work for ***, I just deal with finances and stuff like that"

Then my mate, in all his glory said,

"Im a gynocologist, I look at vaginas all day"

"Vaginas?" one of the blondes said, looking ever so slightly scared.

then, this bit quite surprised me,

"What kinds of vaginas have you seen?" the other blonde said,

"Big ones, small ones, furry ones, shaved ones, green dripping ones" He said, at this point I very nearly punched him.

"So I take it you know what your doing down there?" she said

"Not really, if it ever swells up give me a call"

and the conversation moved away from teh topic.

worst thing is it worked,

even worse thing is I buggered it up, said ild be back in a second, bumped into a mate from college on the way and ended up talking to him for twenty minutes, by the time I had got back they had left, damnit!

The London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine Strikes Again

"In a review of more than 250 studies of young people's sexual behaviour, researchers at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine discovered striking similarities in what affects young sexual behaviour in different countries."

Recently I posted on the BBC using someone from department of hygene and tropical medicine commenting on the effects of proposed drinking laws in teh UK, and how massivly inccorect they were.

Now it seems that they are also qualified to give advice on condom use

I particularly like their commnt as follows

"Some sexually active under 25s associate condoms with a lack of trust, while others believe carrying them could imply sexual experience, which might be a plus for men but not necessarily for women."

OK, Women, how many of you out there prefer inexperienced men,I have never met a woman who preffered inexperience over experience, in either a sexual or social when the topic came up.

Why oh why dos a department whos concern is hand washing and tropical fevers feel teh need to make public statements about condom use and ways to avoid binge fdrinking when they always seem to be incorrect?