30 January 2007


Everyone in life makes mistakes, from the little ones, such as when I wrote FUCK A DUCK in permenant marker on my dad's whiteboard which he needed for work the next (In retrospect I could have chose a better sentence to test if a pen was permanant or not) all the way over to the big time cock ups, such as superman deciding to ride a horse.

I always feel one of my biggest was giving myself a leg injury that put my clean out of any sport for pretty much the next 15 years. I am determined to overcome this sooner but i have no idea how as of yet!

My all time biggest, will never be forgotton by my mates mistake is quite possibly getting stuck in a cattlegrid. Do not, under any cicumstances, ask.

What I want to know is what your biggest mistake is?

No holding back, post without a name if you want, but post your biggest misake, teh funnier the better!

29 January 2007

Deviant Economics

I have started a new blog, based more on political and economical aspects of life,

Have a look at http://devinomics.blogspot.com!

26 January 2007

A cure to the depressive posts

Where ever you may be right now, at work or at home i would be gratefull if you followed this post.

Take deep but gentle breaths, while at the same time stretching every muscle in your body, starting from the tips of your toes, up through your legs,and your back, slowly stretching out the tips of your fingers.

Let your mind drift off, let the subdued voices in the busy office or the faint sounds of traffic passing by your house fade into the background.

Imagine for a second that you are in a pure white marble room, infront of you is a door way with a soft pale light shining through it. Serenely you decide to walk through the door and feel the warmth of a summers day caress your skin. On either side of you are vivid purple flowers, trailing down a warm white marble staircase. you take a step down the staircase, and begin to notice the garden around you, a vivid green interspaced with dashes of colour from fragrant plants and the glittering of warm water from a fountain below.

You take another step and feel relaxed as the heat from the sun brings a warmth to skin. you notice the flowers on the banisters now also interspaced with reds and yellows, trailing down the banister.

Again you step down, seeing a bird fly across the cloudless blue sky on a perfect summers day, you close your eyes for a few seconds as you raise your face to feel the warmth of the sun carress your face and sooth your tired eyes.

You walk another step down and the fragrence from the beautiful plants around you invades your senses, the smell of pollen, nectar and honey is prevailant in the air, over the sound of the fountain you hear the rustle of the plants as a cooling summer breeze washes the warm air over your skin and flutters under your clothes.

As you step down onto the final step you notice a springyness in the fresh grass, willing you onwards, walking past a fountain you watch the play of water, rippling the otherise still water, causing glints of light to appear from the warm sun above. strolling down the grassy path, relaxed in every muscle of your body, you see a bench under the shade of a cherry tree, the blossom falling, carpetting the ground bellow with soft pale petals. You lay on the bench under the shadethe warm air moving gently over you. As you lay back you begin to count down in your head


you begin to relax, the falling blossom from the tree above floats gently past under the soft warming air of the summer.


you feel every muscle untense, your breathing begins to slow and your mind begins to clear from the days distractions.


you breath deeper and longer as you drift into a relaxed state, the birds begin to sing in the tree above.


you feel the warmth of the bench beneath you, you relax deeper into it as teh heat soothes your muscles.


you breath even slower, the faint smell of food cooking drafts through teh air, you hear the faroff sound of a childs laugh.


you drift into a dream like state, your eyelids droop as you rest


you breath slows gently getting slower and an even greater sense of relaxion seems was softly over your body


now so relaxed you can hardly feel yourself move in the warm air, each muscle in your body is comletely relaxed and your mind begins to clear of thoughts


breathing deeper still you mind clears completely, you feel slightly euphoric in the warm bench, safe protected and warm.


A feeling over relaxation overcomes you, every muscle in your slumbering body is relaxed and you feel a wave of happiness flow over your mind.

you think of the problem that has been effecting you, it is small and insignificant, you see teh problem infront of you as a glowing orb, a soft glowing colour, you begin to see ways around the small problem and even why it should not even exist. It shrinks even futher, till it fits softly in the palm of your hand. You now know that you have power over the problem, and can always overcome it.

It shrinks still futher, growing smaller and even smaller till you can now no longer even see it, now the problem is gone you feel significantly better about yourself. the warm air still plays across your skin and you wish move, you start to count slowly with a deep breath between each number.








your breathing starts to speed up.




7 the heavyness in your eyelids begins to lift, you feel your mind awakening to teh world around you.

8 you realise whats around you and your perceptions increase.

9 breathing nearly normally you realise how relaxed all your muscles are, you begint to move thema gain after you realise tehy have been still for so long.

10 you feel yourself in a much more relaxed, happier state of mind, you start to move about, and begin to move and stretch all your muscles to wake yourself again.

25 January 2007

Net Neutrality



There are not many things in life that annoy me, one of my utmost annoyances is in al probability Waddlers, the people who are not content with walking slowly, but also by dint of not moving any leg muscle whatsoever wave left and right across the path, making it almost impossible to do a quick overtaking manouver. They do however provide the occasional bit of entertainment.

I went into town yesterday and saw two waddlers walknig side by side, both 20 stone plus and carrying a handbag which looked like a tabacco pouch in their gigantic mitts. It got funny when we noticed that these two had no concept of walking in sync, hence every few seconds one would hit teh other, making their waddle go a little bit too far off to the side. After this happened they would both glare at each other then continue walking on. Next time I see something of this calibre I will take a video =)

17 January 2007

Changing Years.

Its amazing how the world changes in such a short space of time.

10 years ago christmas was always snow covered, 15 years ago the snow was inches deeper. Those are the times I remember as being festive, when I would go out and play in the snow with my mates for hours on end, coming in soaking wet, usually from the odd cut where some fucker had got a bit of ice in one of his malicious snowballs or our careless sledging down a hill in unpredictable woods ended abruptly with a hidden tree stump.

Nowdays it doesnt seem to snow at all, christmas is autumn warm. The snow used to be inches thick, now if it does snow, usually in February, its a light smattering which melts at the faintest dawn of new year light. The cities that once hosted massive illuminations over the christmas period now draw a pointless blank, unable to afford anything but a solitary christmas tree as the downward economy hits us, no longer able to sustain the merriments that once helped make it so popular.

The homeless, an ever increasing number seem to appear even on the deserted main streets, if the police take one away another fills his place, begging for change and swearing at those that dont answer,
Cleanliness of the streets makes the beggars seem more apparent, litter is not a problem in the area, much has been spent on bland cleanliness, though the absolute sterility seems like a purposeful dent on a historic city.

The downturned faces of office workers, a picture of misery on the unending majority, with an occasional self inflated manager wading through the drab crowd in his own self imposed dream of his life. Groups of tourists stand out with their unending enthusiasm for ancient stone and mortar built in centuries past, they point out flagstones and buildings in amazement, though such trifling objects have long faded into the dull listless background in the minds of the dead eyed residents.

A flooding by the undredged river makes its annual appearance above the banks of the ouze, covering the unfortunate buildings that have yet failed to succumb to the ever rising levels of a river unmaintained. Its constant flow a heavy reminder to the pure unstoppability of the force contained by such a beautiful rippling flow of liquid. The water glinting on each rise in the fading glow of a sun that has barely left the horizon in keeping with the season.

And I ask myself, why?

12 January 2007

A Glorious Day!

Today, a day my friends that will be remembered.

The most fantastic news unlikely to be shadowed by anything else the coming year will throw at us.

This historical day of biblical proportions will be one that will lighten the hearts of billions around the world.

Yes thats right

Cameron Diaz has split up with that wanker Justin Timberlake.

Cameron Diaz, while 34 now is without a doubt one of my top ten in women, her young looks fantastic personality and damn cute smile make this one woman any man would take home.

Diaz... I salute you


11 January 2007

My first crush, and my first serious crush

A lot of people use the new year as a fresh start, a way of making life better by just a little bit. This year however has been more of a reflection, on how I have lost touch with so many of my friends and how I seem to be unable to settle down with a girl for more than a week. After thinking about that I started to think about past relationships and inparticular my first crushes. I use this rather girly term on the basis that what I felt wasn't really love, but more a desire which I hasten to add I was completely incapable in following up on. While the chatting up of other women came as easy as pie even saying hi to these two crushes left my words crashing into each other.

The first of my crushes was back in primary school, a brunette with pale skin and startling eyes, shy in nature but the kind of girl I would have loved to hold tight. This being primary school and still not having had any massive interaction with a woman (At this point I think it was limited to a kiss and a little fumbling one time) I had not really mastered any way to propose to this girl, who might I add while shy had a stunning beauty about her, so consoled myself to a fate of failure with this one.

The second girl was at highschool, a girl called Sarah was in my form and was easily voted the most beautiful girl in our year. This being only the first year of school when I first saw her I had only had a few more experiences, but as highschool progressed I soon lost most of my inhibitions apart from this one girl. Tall and blonde with a perfectly formed body a gorgeous smile and the self assurance that comes with having pretty much every member of the opposite sex drooling over you, And we drooled over her in abundance at that.

Im not entirely sure that this post has a point, it is more of a reminiscence of things in life I should have gone for, and two women who due to my feelings I never dared approach. Im hoping that in the future I will not make the same mistake again, and always go for the things I want the most.

09 January 2007

Adam and Eve... Bloody Perverts.

I got thinking this morning about the begining of time, when sex first came about. I mean lets face it sticking your dick up a womans pee hole isnt the most obvious of choices, admittedly it feels damn good but how did we find that out?

To illustrate my example I am going to use the religious setting of adam and eve, im guessing that pre sex the following was heard (Looking at all historical TV documentaries from primary school on this im guessing behind a big ivy leaf)

"OW that my EYE you BASTARD!"
"What the hell is that fluffy stuff"
"Mhhhhhh your tongue feels good"
"Ewww fucks sake I've got earwax all over it"
"Bit tight this end"

08 January 2007

Il have kidney, liver and three testicals

I was doing some (completely work related) internet browsing and came across this article on BBC


Personally I dont see what the fuss is about, people should be able to sell their bodyparts if they want to. What I think is more interesting is buying these organs, obviously some people buy them because they need one to carry on living but what about the entertainment or cosmetic aspect?

Possibly a clip on device would appear on the market, like replacement covers for mobile phones you could get a clip on penis to forehead attachment for that annoying person in your life, if all else fails you could always spitroast your girlfriend by yourself.

I personally think a third arm would come in handy, and not just so I had my right hand free when surfing various types of websites, a third arm would allow me to play PDA solitaire while seemingly hard at work, not to mention the speed i could get a cup of coffee sorted. You could also get an extra liver, massively inceasing your drinking before death capability.

This kinda makes me thing that fat people will have the advantage over the rest of us in the future, I mean they could have enough space for 8 hearts a couple of extra kidneys a few livers and more, if one fails they just get another popped in. A heart attack? no problem, a minor inconveniance, liver failure? simply a kudos mark among the drinking culture.

"Yeah man I got so pissed last night I wrecked three of my livers"

If you could have an extra body part what would you choose?

(Yes I was a bit short on ideas today, alright?)

02 January 2007

Holiday End

After good ol' week of half days, bank holidays and drinking galore it is finally back to reality. I have fallen for a girl who I probably shouldnt have, hugged a lot of random people, gone swimming in a river (nearly got hypothermia in the process) did the maccerena in the city centre for no aparent reason, injured my wrist (no jokes), due to lack of snow we went sledging down a tarmac road instead, fortunately at 5am there isnt much traffic.

However now I am back in the 9 till 5 grind, doing the same old shit, I need to find myself a job that no only challenges but varies my daily life, travelling to different parts of the world on occasion would also suit.

Im thinking of going to some other part of the world, do ski instruction or something, although I would probably need to learn some of it again myself in all honesty. If not ski instruction perhaps something similar, since my patience is a bit short for teachnig in all honesty, although lets face it, some of my old school teachers would shout at you for coughing.

I think my main problem with going abroad would be my mates, leaving the country is all well and good but considering how often I go out I would not have the feintest clue on what to do with my spare time. Maybe if i could convince one of my mates to come too, 6 months, sun, snow and lots of young naive tourist birds from around the globe, oooo yes..

Then theres the girl back here, never actually met her but talked to her loads, its not like she lives far away, Doncaster is just down the road from my City, but I never have the free time nowdays! She seems perfect, sweet and sexy, not to mention pretty damn smart underneath her veneer of makeup and vanity. She likes to always look good, and boy does she pull it off. Of course this is where the paranoia always kicks in, lets face it would a girl this good be happy with me? I know pretty much next to nothing of what she is like in person, from talking to her I would trust her, but some people are different to how they seem.

Given the opportunity I would want to move abroad, but the company would be her.